I Didn’t Realize I Was Working Against Myself… Until I Understood My ADHD

I didn’t realize how much I was working against myself until I started learning what ADHD actually is.

I’m active from the moment I wake up until early afternoon… and then I crash. Hard.

I recently started Adderall again after being off my meds for over a month, and honestly… that month was chaotic.

That’s when it hit me.

I do have ADHD.

And I need to stop gaslighting myself into thinking I’m just a dysfunctional, trauma-filled version of someone who’s made bad decisions her whole life.

Because the truth?

A lot of this isn’t a character flaw.
It’s a chemical imbalance.

And I hate that.

It doesn’t feel fair.
I didn’t ask for it.
And yeah… I’m throwing a bit of a fit about it because I’m exhausted trying to figure it all out.

I hyperfixate on things… like my garden.

All in. Obsessed. Checking it twice a day. Learning everything.

And then suddenly?

I’m bored. Done. Onto the next thing. Or worse… nothing at all.

Right now, I should be:

• putting clothes up for sale on Facebook
• cleaning my house
• figuring out a job that actually works long-term

Instead?

I’m sitting at my desk with Roxy in my lap… writing this blog.

And I keep asking myself:

When do I get to give myself permission to believe this counts as work?

Does everything have to be tied to money to be valid?

Or am I being too hard on myself?

ADHD is weird.

One minute you’re locked in, hyperfocused, unstoppable.

The next?

You’re frozen.
Staring into space.
Overwhelmed by everything you could be doing… so you do nothing.

Or you just mentally check out because your brain is too loud.

And honestly?

I don’t have some clean, inspirational ending here.

I’m still in it.

Still figuring it out.
Still frustrated.
Still learning how to work with my brain instead of constantly fighting it.

But I do know this:

Beating myself up over something I didn’t choose isn’t helping.

So for now?

I’m trying to offer myself something I’ve been really bad at giving:

Grace.

Maybe I’m not broken.
Maybe I’ve just been trying to live by rules that were never built for my brain.